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    "original_url": "https:\/\/www.nytimes.com\/2025\/09\/12\/well\/family\/couples-therapy-argument-phrases.html?emc=edit_nn_20260918&nl=the-morning&segment_id=226681",
    "parsed_content": "AdvertisementSKIP ADVERTISEMENTSupported bySKIP ADVERTISEMENT8 Phrases to Help Your Relationship ThriveWe asked couples therapists to share the magic words that can strengthen bonds, even in the middle of a disagreement.Share full articleVideoCreditCredit...Pablo DelcanBy Catherine PearsonSept. 12, 2025Leer en espa\u00f1olSign up for The Ethicist newsletter, for Times subscribers only. Advice on life\u2019s trickiest situations and moral dilemmas from the philosopher Kwame Anthony Appiah. Get it sent to your inbox.When my husband and I argue, all he has to do to drive me bonkers is tell me to \u201ccalm down.\u201d Deploying those words is akin to pouring oil on fire, therapists say. Meanwhile, my bad habit is defaulting to phrases like \u201cyou always\u201d \u2014 another no-no.But while it\u2019s easy to rattle off comments that couples should avoid, it\u2019s trickier to identify the expressions that can help strengthen relationships, even in the midst of a disagreement.So I asked several couples therapists to share their recommendations for improving communication with a partner. Keep in mind: No one phrase is a panacea, and your timing and tone are important.\u2018You start.\u2019Conflict often arises when partners are struggling to be understood by each other \u2014 at exactly the same time, said James Cordova, a professor of psychology at Clark University and author of \u201cThe Mindful Path to Intimacy.\u201dAdvertisementSKIP ADVERTISEMENT \u201cWe\u2019re like two fire hoses pointed at each other,\u201d Dr. Cordova said. \u201cWe\u2019re fighting harder to be heard.\u201dSaying \u201cYou start\u201d is a simple way to \u201cflip that script,\u201d he added. It signals that you really want to understand where your partner is coming from. \u2018Can we slow down?\u2019Heated arguments usually happen fast, said Allen Sabey, a clinical assistant professor at Northwestern University. People tend to become reactive, which can quickly turn into \u201cblame, defensiveness, criticism, avoidance,\u201d Dr. Sabey warned.Asking \u201cCan \u2018we\u2019 slow things down?\u201d acknowledges you both have a role to play in responding to one another with more curiosity and care. Crucially, it is different than telling your partner to calm down, Dr. Sabey added, which can be \u201cemotionally dismissive.\u201d\u2018I see the impact I had on you.\u2019A lot of couples that Tracy Dalgleish treats are stuck in a cycle of arguing about their intent, she said. \u201cThey\u2019ll say, \u2018But I had good intentions! Why can\u2019t you see that?\u2019\u201d said Dr. Dalgleish, a psychologist and author of \u201cI Didn\u2019t Sign Up for This.\u201dAdvertisementSKIP ADVERTISEMENTBut part of recovering from a conflict is acknowledging the effect you had on your partner, whether or not it was intentional, Dr. Dalgleish said.\u2018Would that be OK?\u2019In his work as a sex therapist, Dr. Stephen Snyder is tasked with asking clients personal questions about delicate subjects. He often starts with: \u201cI need to ask you about X. Would that be OK?\u201d\u201cOver time, couples pick that up and start talking that way to each other, often with excellent results,\u201d said Dr. Snyder, author of \u201cLove Worth Making.\u201dFor instance, instead of launching directly into a conversation about your partner\u2019s family, he said, you might say something like: \u201cI\u2019d like to talk to you about your mother. Would that be OK?\u201d Those four words can quickly convey kindness and consideration, Dr. Snyder said. \u2018What do you feel that I\u2019m not getting about your experience?\u2019In almost every relationship, there are ways in which each person is not going to feel fully understood, said Adam Fisher, a psychologist and sex therapist. In moments of conflict, you might say something like: \u201cThe story I\u2019m telling myself about this is that you don\u2019t care. But how do you actually feel?\u201dAdvertisementSKIP ADVERTISEMENTPartners often behave as though they are mind readers, Dr. Fisher warned. So telling your mate something like, \u201cI want to understand more where you\u2019re coming from\u201d can be really validating, he said.\u2018Let me try that again.\u2019Laurie Santos, a psychology professor at Yale and host of \u201cThe Happiness Lab\u201d podcast, pointed to research from John and Julie Gottman, the renowned marriage researchers, that suggests happy couples are good at \u201crepair attempts\u201d \u2014 any statement or action that prevents negativity from escalating.\u201cMy favorite is, \u2018Let me try that again,\u2019\u201d Dr. Santos said. \u201cI use it whenever I say something not right, or when something came out harsher than I wanted.\u201d \u2018What does the relationship need from us right now?\u2019When you and your partner are stuck in a power struggle, step back and consider that it\u2019s not just about your needs versus the other person\u2019s needs, said Alexandra Solomon, a clinical psychologist and host of the \u201cReimagining Love\u201d podcast.Pausing to ask: \u201cWhat does our relationship or marriage need right now?\u201d is a macro-level shift in perspective, she said.AdvertisementSKIP ADVERTISEMENTYou might realize, for example, that \u201cthis marriage needs me to slow down and check in with my partner before I make a decision,\u201d she said, or \u201cthe marriage needs us to really protect our time a little bit better in the evening.\u201d\u2018Thank you.\u2019Gratitude is the foundation upon which many healthy relationships are built, said Terri Cole, a psychotherapist and the author of \u201cToo Much: A Guide to Breaking the Cycle of High-Functioning Codependency.\u201dMs. Cole often assigns thank yous as homework to couples she works with \u2014 and she employs them at home, too.\u201cMy husband and I thank each other for everything,\u201d Ms. Cole said. \u201cThanks for making the bed, thanks for unloading the dishwasher, thanks for unloading the laundry.\u201dThe technique might feel forced, even \u201ccorny\u201d at first, she said. But expressing gratitude sends a powerful message: \u201cYou are appreciated.\u201dAdvertisementSKIP ADVERTISEMENT",
    "published_at": "2025-09-12T14:15:45+00:00",
    "author_name": "Catherine Pearson",
    "site_name": "The New York Times",
    "section": "Well",
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    "ai_headline": "8 Phrases to Help Your Relationship Thrive",
    "ai_simplified_title": "Therapists Share Phrases to Strengthen Relationships",
    "ai_excerpt": "Couples therapists offer eight key phrases that can improve communication and strengthen relationships, even during disagreements. These phrases focus on understanding, empathy, and gratitude.",
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