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    "original_url": "https:\/\/www.nytimes.com\/2024\/05\/17\/well\/family\/sex-intimacy-couples.html?campaign_id=190&emc=edit_ufn_20260211&instance_id=170940&nl=from-the-times&regi_id=122976029&segment_id=215131&user_id=b25c5730c89e0c73f75709d8f1254337",
    "parsed_content": "AdvertisementSKIP ADVERTISEMENTSupported bySKIP ADVERTISEMENTThe Best Sex Advice Might Also Be the Hardest to FollowSome couples would rather get divorced than talk openly about their intimate lives.Share full articleCredit...Sonia PulidoBy Catherine PearsonPublished May 17, 2024Updated May 20, 2024Leer en espa\u00f1olSign up for The Ethicist newsletter, for Times subscribers only. Advice on life\u2019s trickiest situations and moral dilemmas from the philosopher Kwame Anthony Appiah. Get it sent to your inbox.As a reporter who covers sex and intimacy, I spend a lot of time listening to experts extol the virtues of open, honest communication. To have good sex \u2014 and to keep having good sex over time \u2014 couples must be willing to talk about it, they say.But some people would rather leave their relationships than have those conversations, said Jeffrey Chernin, a marriage and family therapist and the author of \u201cAchieving Intimacy: How to Have a Loving Relationship That Lasts\u201d \u2014 especially if things in the bedroom aren\u2019t going particularly well.\u201cOne of the things I often say to couples who are having trouble is: \u2018I wish there was another way through this,\u2019\u201d he said. \u201cBut the only way I know to have a better sex life, or to resume your sex life, is to discuss it.\u201dDr. Chernin acknowledged how stressful those conversations can be, sometimes deteriorating into finger-pointing, belittling or stonewalling. That said, these suggestions may help.Embrace the awkwardness.It\u2019s common for partners to have trouble talking about intimacy and desire. Research suggests that even in long-term relationships, people know only about 60 percent of what their partner likes sexually, and only about 25 percent of what they don\u2019t like.Cyndi Darnell, a sex and relationships therapist in New York City, said her patients frequently tell her that talking about sex is \u201cawkward\u201d \u2014 which is especially true \u201cif you\u2019ve spent months or years avoiding it,\u201d she said.\u201cWe\u2019ve been tricked into believing sex is natural,\u201d she added. \u201cBut, if it were easy and natural, people wouldn\u2019t struggle with it as much as they do.\u201dShe mentioned one couple she worked with, both in their 50s, who hadn\u2019t had sex in years. Every time they talked about it, they fought. So they sought outside help to get past their embarrassment and anger.In therapy, they realized that they had only been focused on penetration, but the husband was really longing for closeness and tenderness. And once the wife realized that her husband was not going to \u201cpounce on her\u201d whenever she cuddled with him, they were able to be more sensual with each other \u2014 and to talk about what they like to do and why, Ms. Darnell said. But it took a spirit of willingness, curiosity and acceptance.Death to \u2018We need to talk.\u2019It may be possible to temper the dread that often accompanies these conversations, if you approach them sensitively. \u201cWhen a partner says, \u2018We need to talk,\u2019 Dr. Chernin said, \u201cthe other person feels like, \u2018I\u2019m going to the principal\u2019s office.\u2019\u201dInstead, try to:Focus on problem-solving togetherThat means saying something like: \u201cOn the one hand, I know how difficult this is for us to talk about,\u201d Dr. Chernin said. \u201cOn the other hand, I think it\u2019s important for our marriage or for our relationship to be able to have some discussions about our sex life.\u201dThen ask: \u201cWhat can we do about it?\u201dPrepare questions ahead of timeA script offers scaffolding, Ms. Darnell said. She suggested prompts like: \u201cOur relationship is really important to me, and I\u2019d like for sex to be part of it (again). I was curious if that is something you\u2019d be into also?\u201dBring in some positivesMaggie Bennett-Brown, a research fellow at the Kinsey Institute and an assistant professor at Texas Tech University, said \u201cit doesn\u2019t have to be explicit.\u201d Maybe you tell your partner that you like it when he hugs you or plans a romantic night on the town.If it has been a while since you were intimate, it can help to reminisce \u2014 and that can segue into a deeper question. \u201cIf people have never had a conversation about: \u2018What do you enjoy?\u2019 that\u2019s a good first step,\u201d Dr. Bennett-Brown said.Be mindful of your timingBe careful about initiating a discussion about sex while in bed, Dr. Chernin said, particularly if you are being critical. (Though some couples may find it easier to talk about sex when they are basking in the afterglow, he said.)\u201cThink about a conversation as a series of discussions,\u201d Dr. Chernin said. \u201cThat way, you\u2019re not putting too much pressure on yourself or your partner.\u201dKnow when to talk to a professional.If your partner is unwilling to talk \u2014 or if the conversation feels painful, not just uncomfortable, Ms. Darnell said \u2014 a sex therapist or couples counselor may be able to help mediate.She did not downplay how high-stakes these conversations can be. But she added that sex may not always be a necessary component of a satisfying romantic relationship.\u201cOne of the questions I often ask my couples for whom sex is a tenuous and difficult issue is: Does this relationship have to be sexual?\u201d she said. She worked with one couple in their 30s and 40s who realized they liked engaging in flirty banter, but did not want to move beyond that. \u201cPermission to not have sex at this phase of their relationship was huge \u2014 and a relief,\u201d she said.\u201cSex is about so much more than just what we do when our pants are off,\u201d she said.Catherine Pearson is a Times reporter who writes about families and relationships.Read 1,263 commentsShare full articleRelated ContentAdvertisementSKIP ADVERTISEMENT",
    "ai_headline": "The Best Sex Advice Might Also Be the Hardest to Follow",
    "ai_simplified_title": "Couples Discuss Intimacy To Improve Sex Life",
    "ai_excerpt": "This article discusses the importance of open communication about sex and intimacy in relationships. It offers advice from experts on how to navigate difficult conversations about sex, including embracing awkwardness and seeking professional help when needed.",
    "ai_subject_tags": [
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        "Intimacy",
        "Sex",
        "Communication",
        "Couples",
        "Therapy",
        "Mental Health"
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