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    "original_url": "https:\/\/www.nytimes.com\/2025\/02\/07\/well\/family\/husband-wife-best-friend.html?campaign_id=190&emc=edit_ufn_20260211&instance_id=170940&nl=from-the-times&regi_id=122976029&segment_id=215131&user_id=b25c5730c89e0c73f75709d8f1254337",
    "parsed_content": "AdvertisementSKIP ADVERTISEMENTSupported bySKIP ADVERTISEMENTShould Your Partner Really Be Your Best Friend?Expecting a spouse to be both friend and lover is a relatively new concept. Some think it\u2019s asking too much.Share full articleCredit...Pete GamlenBy Catherine PearsonFeb. 7, 2025Leer en espa\u00f1olSign up for The Ethicist newsletter, for Times subscribers only. Advice on life\u2019s trickiest situations and moral dilemmas from the philosopher Kwame Anthony Appiah. Get it sent to your inbox.Stephanie Lopez is effusive about her husband\u2019s good qualities. He is a man of character, kindness and integrity, she said. He is a loving father and treats her with respect.But is he her best friend?\u201cNo!\u201d said Ms. Lopez, who is 43 and lives on Hawaii\u2019s Big Island.\u201cI don\u2019t have sex with my friends,\u201d she explained. \u201cI don\u2019t pay bills with my friends. And I guarantee you, if I did, it would change the whole dynamic of the relationship.\u201dThe belief that your partner should be your best friend pops up everywhere, whether on social media or in the greeting card aisle. It\u2019s not unusual to seek a romantic partner who fulfills more than the role of spouse, co-parent or lover, said Alexandra Solomon, a clinical psychologist and host of the \u201cReimagining Love\u201d podcast.\u201cWe want somebody who sees us and gets us,\u201d Dr. Solomon said. \u201cWell, that\u2019s the same darn thing we want in our friendships. We really are craving that same sense of affinity and admiration.\u201dBut is it unreasonable to expect your bedmate to be your best friend, or is it the highest form of intimacy?A Spouse\u2019s Ever-Changing RoleJennifer Santiago, 42, and her husband are best friends.The couple, who began dating in high school, have broken up briefly over the years, taking time apart to get to know themselves and what they want out of life. But their underlying friendship brought them back together every time, said Ms. Santiago, who lives in Orlando.\u201cThere was always an empty void when we took a break,\u201d she said. They realized: \u201cWow, we really, truly do everything together!\u201dHistorically, that is a relatively new approach to romantic relationships, said Eli J. Finkel, a social psychologist and the author of \u201cThe All-Or-Nothing Marriage: How the Best Marriages Work.\u201dUntil the mid-1800s, marriage in the United States mostly revolved around ensuring partners had their basic needs (like food and shelter) met \u2014 what Dr. Finkel calls the \u201cpragmatic era.\u201d Between 1850 and 1965, marriage entered the \u201clove-based era\u201d \u2014 in which the primary relationship functions were about love and companionship, he said. Since then, we have been in the \u201cself-expressive\u201d era \u2014 in which marriage is about not only love, but also personal growth.\u201cThe marital relationship has taken on more and more responsibility for our social and psychological needs,\u201d Dr. Finkel said.How to Set Realistic ExpectationsIs it a good or bad thing that many people now expect their romantic relationships to fulfill so many roles in their lives? Ultimately, that depends on \u201cwhether your relationship can deliver,\u201d said Dr. Finkel, who is also a co-host of the \u201cLove Factually\u201d podcast.He feels \u201cdelighted\u201d for people who say they want their romantic partners to also be their best friends. But he suggests they consider: Are there other expectations they can let go of? For instance, he said, it is a lot to expect your partner to be the co-chief executive of the household, to split child care, to be your exclusive sexual companion and to be your best friend.\u201cI don\u2019t want to sound like a scold,\u201d Dr. Finkel said. \u201cI just want people to be aware that every additional expectation that you\u2019re throwing on top of your relationship comes with opportunity for enhanced closeness \u2014 and it comes with additional risk that the relationship will buckle under the weight of those expectations.\u201dHe suggested releasing some of that pressure. Can you lean on other friends for emotional support? Are you OK being emotionally close to your partner, but not necessarily having the spiciest intimate life together?Dr. Solomon believes that friendship, particularly best friendship, is not a requisite for long-term intimacy. But it doesn\u2019t hurt either, she said.Liking your partner \u2014 which she described as admiring them, finding them funny, caring about their worldview, and having fun simply being together \u2014 can \u201ccushion\u201d the other relationship challenges a couple might face, she said.But Dr. Solomon admitted that while she adores her husband of 26 years, he is not her best friend. \u201cMy best friend\u2019s name is Ali, and she lives in Seattle,\u201d she said. \u201cShe\u2019s been in that spot since we were 10 years old.\u201dUltimately, maintaining a tight romantic bond may come down to managing expectations and clearly discussing them, said Adam Fisher, president of the American Psychological Association\u2019s division for couple and family psychology.Dr. Fisher had a mentor who described marriage and relationships as best friendship plus sex. While he thinks that is one \u201cvery viable\u201d approach to a relationship, he said, it is by no means the only one.\u201cCouples need some kind of \u2018glue\u2019 \u2014 commitment, shared values, sex, finances \u2014 something,\u201d he said, but it doesn\u2019t need to be friendship.Ms. Lopez is opting out of the bedmate-as-BFF paradigm.\u201cI think we put so many expectations and responsibilities on our partners,\u201d she said. \u201cI\u2019m not here to be everything and all things to you.\u201dCatherine Pearson is a Times reporter who writes about families and relationships.Read 436 commentsShare full articleRelated ContentAdvertisementSKIP ADVERTISEMENT",
    "ai_headline": "Should Your Partner Really Be Your Best Friend?",
    "ai_simplified_title": "Experts Discuss Partner Friendship Expectations in Marriage",
    "ai_excerpt": "The article explores the evolving expectations of romantic relationships, specifically whether a partner should also be a best friend. It features insights from psychologists and couples, examining the historical context and potential challenges of this modern ideal.",
    "ai_subject_tags": [
        "Relationships",
        "Marriage",
        "Friendship",
        "Psychology",
        "Intimacy",
        "Expectations",
        "Couple Dynamics"
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