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    "original_url": "https:\/\/www.nytimes.com\/2024\/08\/21\/well\/sex-therapy-questions.html?campaign_id=190&emc=edit_ufn_20260211&instance_id=170940&nl=from-the-times&regi_id=122976029&segment_id=215131&user_id=b25c5730c89e0c73f75709d8f1254337",
    "parsed_content": "AdvertisementSKIP ADVERTISEMENTSupported bySKIP ADVERTISEMENTWhat Sex Therapists Wish You KnewWe asked nearly a dozen experts in sex and intimacy for the advice they repeat again and again. For starters, they said, don\u2019t get so hung up on how often you have, or want, sex.Listen to this article \u00b7 7:45 min Learn moreShare full articleCredit...Monica GarwoodBy Catherine PearsonAug. 21, 2024Leer en espa\u00f1olCouples worried about \u201cmismatched\u201d libidos. People struggling to orgasm. Lovers wondering if they\u2019re having a \u201cnormal\u201d amount of sex.Sex therapists, educators and researchers tend to see these issues over and over again.So Well reached out to several of them to ask: What do you wish more people knew about sex and intimacy?Here\u2019s what the experts had to say.1. Comparison is the thief of sexual joy.Lori Brotto, a psychologist and professor at the University of British Columbia who is the author of \u201cBetter Sex Through Mindfulness,\u201d spends a lot of time trying to persuade people to discard the concept of a \u201cnormal\u201d sex life when it comes to how and how often they get intimate.The frequency with which couples have sex is not a meaningful measure of sexual health, she said, even though it is something \u201cpeople get really hung up on.\u201d It doesn\u2019t tell you anything about whether individuals are actually enjoying time with their partners, and the sex they\u2019re having, she added.\u201cI have worked with couples who are having sex every night and are miserable together,\u201d echoed Casey Tanner, a sex therapist based in New York City and author of \u201cFeel It All.\u201d Conversely, she has worked with couples who feel deeply connected and who have sex maybe three times a year.Let go of the numbers game, Ms. Tanner urged, and instead focus on how each sexual experience feels.2. It may be time to update your definition of \u201csex.\u201dWe have a tendency to think of sex as an action, said Esther Perel, a couples therapist and author who is launching a new online course about desire. But she reframes it for her clients and audiences. \u201cSex isn\u2019t something that you do,\u201d Ms. Perel tells them. \u201cSex is a place where you go.\u201dShe often asks questions like: \u201cWhat do you want to experience there? Is this an experience, for you, of transcendence? Of spiritual union? Of deep connection?\u201d Or, \u201cis it an experience where you can be mischievous and for once not a good citizen?\u201dAcknowledging that a joint orgasm isn\u2019t the only destination during sex can help couples become unstuck, Ms. Perel finds.Candice Nicole Hargons, an associate professor at Emory University and author of the forthcoming book \u201cGood Sex,\u201d encourages her clients to think about the idea of a \u201csexual menu.\u201d\u201cMost of us get this really unseasoned sexual menu kind of handed to us when we\u2019re kids,\u201d she said.The types of sex on our menu may be influenced by media, sex education classes and what we pick up socially. But she encourages her sex therapy clients to create a more flavorful, personalized menu \u2014 \u201cto say for themselves what their yeses are, what their noes are, what their maybe-sos are.\u201dThe only nonnegotiable? Pleasure should be the main course.\u201cYou\u2019d be surprised by how many people I talk to on a day-to-day basis who don\u2019t understand that sex isn\u2019t supposed to be painful,\u201d said Jessica Ross, a sex therapist based in Michigan. \u201cOrgasm? Optional. But pleasure is mandatory.\u201d3. There is more than one type of desire.Sexual desire, as it\u2019s portrayed in TV, movies and pornography, is invariably spontaneous \u2014 a sudden, overwhelming urge to have sex. But there is another, equally valid type of desire, known as responsive desire. It emerges in response to deliberate pleasure or erotic stimuli, said Lauren Fogel Mersy, a psychologist and sex therapist based in Minnesota and an author of \u201cDesire.\u201dPeople who tend to experience responsive desire should feel reassured that \u201cthere is nothing wrong with them,\u201d she said. \u201cThey\u2019re not broken.\u201d They might simply need to put in a bit more work to understand what kind of erotic stimulation helps them feel open to the possibility of intimacy, like touch, for instance.Also, couples need to let go of the expectation that they should be aligned in how and when they experience desire. \u201cDesire discrepancy is the norm rather than the exception,\u201d Dr. Fogel Mersy said.4. Never underestimate the power of the clitoris.\u201cThe clitoris is the powerhouse of the female orgasm, and the vast majority of the sensitive nerve endings that contribute to pleasure are located on the surface of the vulva, not inside the vagina,\u201d said Ian Kerner, a sex therapist based in New York City and author of \u201cShe Comes First.\u201dMost intercourse positions don\u2019t provide a lot of clitoral stimulation, he said, which is a major contributor to the pleasure gap among heterosexual couples. In taking a more \u201cclitoral approach to sex,\u201d activities that are typically thought of as foreplay, like manual and oral stimulation, are not just a precursor to something else. They are the main event, Dr. Kerner explained.That said, there are women who can orgasm during intercourse, said Debby Herbenick, a professor at the Indiana University School of Public Health and author of \u201cYes, Your Kid: What Parents Need to Know About Today\u2019s Teens and Sex,\u201d whose research suggests 18 percent of women orgasm from penetration alone. \u201cFor women who do want to have an orgasm during vaginal penetration or intercourse, it\u2019s OK to want that \u2014 and there are ways to try,\u201d she added.5. Men are not light switches.There are many clich\u00e9s about male sexuality: among them, that all men think about sex constantly, and that \u201call it takes is a strong breeze for a guy to get an erection,\u201d Dr. Kerner said.\u201cWhat gets lost is the bigger truth that male sexuality is as complex and variable as female sexuality,\u201d Dr. Kerner said. Desire discrepancy is the No. 1 issue he sees in his practice, and men are just as likely to be the low-desire partner as women, he said. Often, his male clients feel a lot of shame and embarrassment that they are not initiating sex the way they\u2019re \u201csupposed to.\u201d\u201cMen are not light switches when it comes to sex,\u201d Dr. Kerner said. \u201cThey don\u2019t just turn on and off.\u201d6. Intimacy should be on the calendar, not just sex.Putting sex on the calendar is well-worn sex therapy advice, but Ms. Tanner believes it can backfire. \u201cThe pressure of having to keep a sexual appointment can actually decrease sexual desire,\u201d she explained. \u201cRather than putting sex on your calendar, schedule an activity that opens the door for intimacy.\u201dWhat that means will vary from couple to couple, said Jessa Zimmerman, a sex therapist in private practice in Seattle, who offers the same advice to her clients. Perhaps it\u2019s a date night. Perhaps you get into bed a bit earlier than usual and see what happens.\u201cIt\u2019s so different than, OK we\u2019re going to have sex every Sunday night. Because, oh my gosh, it\u2019s not too long before the lower-desire person is starting to avoid that or dread that,\u201d she said.7. It\u2019s possible to overthink good sex.Sara Nasserzadeh, a social psychologist and author of \u201cLove by Design,\u201d who works with clients around the world, said she sees a tendency among some of her North American clients to feel as if they must talk about sex ad nauseam.\u201cIt\u2019s ridiculous to me, because sex is something that involves the bodies,\u201d she said. \u201cIt involves the somatic.\u201dThat doesn\u2019t mean her motto is \u201cJust Do It,\u201d but sometimes you have to let your bodies connect and \u201ctalk\u201d for you, Dr. Nasserzadeh said.Put another way: Sex should momentarily rob you of your intelligence, said Dr. Stephen Snyder, a sex therapist based in New York City and author of \u201cLove Worth Making.\u201d It should make you a bit selfish and maybe even regress a bit, he said.\u201cGood sex makes you dumber,\u201d he said with a chuckle. \u201cAnd great sex makes you really, really stupid.\u201dCatherine Pearson is a Times reporter who writes about families and relationships.A version of this article appears in print on Sept. 10, 2024, Section D, Page 7 of the New York edition with the headline: What You Should Know About Sex. Order Reprints | Today\u2019s Paper | SubscribeRead 1,075 commentsShare full articleRelated ContentAdvertisementSKIP ADVERTISEMENT",
    "ai_headline": "What Sex Therapists Wish You Knew",
    "ai_simplified_title": "Sex Therapists Share Sex and Intimacy Advice",
    "ai_excerpt": "Sex therapists offer advice on sex and intimacy, including discarding the idea of a \"normal\" sex life, updating the definition of sex, and understanding different types of desire. Experts emphasize pleasure, clitoral stimulation, and the importance of intimacy beyond just sex.",
    "ai_subject_tags": [
        "Sex Therapy",
        "Intimacy",
        "Sexual Health",
        "Relationships",
        "Desire",
        "Orgasm",
        "Clitoris",
        "Communication"
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