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    "original_url": "https:\/\/www.nytimes.com\/2026\/02\/10\/well\/lyubomirsky-reis-how-to-feel-loved.html?campaign_id=60&emc=edit_na_20260211&instance_id=170914&nl=breaking-news&regi_id=122976029&segment_id=215104&user_id=b25c5730c89e0c73f75709d8f1254337",
    "parsed_content": "AdvertisementSKIP ADVERTISEMENTSupported bySKIP ADVERTISEMENTWhat\u2019s the Secret to Happiness? These Researchers Have a Theory.A new book, \u201cHow to Feel Loved,\u201d links our social skills to how content we are.Listen to this article \u00b7 4:59 min Learn moreShare full articleCredit...OyowBy Catherine PearsonFeb. 10, 2026Sign up for The Ethicist newsletter, for Times subscribers only. Advice on life\u2019s trickiest situations and moral dilemmas from the philosopher Kwame Anthony Appiah. Get it sent to your inbox.Sonja Lyubomirsky has been a leading researcher on the science of happiness for decades. And for just as long, people have asked her: What is the secret?Dr. Lyubomirsky, a distinguished professor of psychology at the University of California Riverside, has always chafed at this question. The secret to happiness? How ridiculous and reductive.When pressed, she told me she tends to say something along the lines of: \u201cConnection and relationships. Positive thinking, which includes gratitude. And a sense of control in your life. \u201dBut if she really had to choose one thing, she said, the secret to happiness is \u201cfeeling loved.\u201dThat\u2019s the premise of her latest book, \u201cHow to Feel Loved,\u201d out today, which she co-wrote with Harry Reis, a professor of psychology at the University of Rochester who studies close relationships.Research on love and happiness has tended to focus on the love one feels for others. But in fact, Dr. Lyubomirsky and Dr. Reis argue in their book, what really makes us happy is how much love we feel coming back to us.People who want to feel more loved tend to take one of two approaches that aren\u2019t necessarily effective, the authors write: They try to fix themselves (if only I were better, kinder, more attractive, etc.) or they try to fix the other person (if only my partner would finally figure out my love language!).But if you want to feel more loved, Dr. Lyubomirsky and Dr. Reis contend, don\u2019t focus your energy on trying to change anyone. Instead, change the conversations you\u2019re having.Listen better to get more love.In order to feel more loved by others, you must begin by making them feel loved by you, the authors write. And becoming a better listener is one of the most powerful ways to do that.Many of us think we\u2019re pretty good listeners, Dr. Lyubomirsky said, but really, we\u2019re mostly just waiting for our turn to speak. (She admitted this is something she struggles with.) So she recommends adopting a \u201clistening to learn\u201d mind set. Basically, shift your focus from responding to understanding.\u201cWe all know that feeling, when someone is so curious about you, like they just can\u2019t wait for you to share your story,\u201d Dr. Lyubomirsky said. \u201cTheir eyes are shining. They\u2019re leaning in.\u201dThat kind of genuine, focused listening is rare, she said, and quite powerful.\u201cWhen someone feels deeply seen, valued, and understood by you, they become more willing, motivated, and even eager to do the same for you,\u201d the authors write.But becoming a better listener takes practice. Some simple best practices: Don\u2019t interrupt, Dr. Lyubomirsky said, and don\u2019t offer advice unless the person you\u2019re talking to asks for it.And ask follow-up questions. Dr. Reis often defaults to three words he said rarely fail: \u201cTell me more.\u201dFocus on one relationship at a time.Rather than trying to shift how you approach everyone in your life, Dr. Lyubomirsky recommends picking one person you want to feel more love from, and starting there. It might be someone you\u2019re already close with, like a partner or a parent, she said. Or it could be a colleague you\u2019d like to get to know better.Romantic relationships aren\u2019t the only place to get that feeling of being loved, nor is feeling loved confined to just a few close relationships, the authors argue.Once you\u2019ve identified your target, make a plan to challenge yourself: In the next week, have three conversations with that person in which you make an effort to show real curiosity, Dr. Lyubomirsky recommended.The authors believe giving and receiving love function together like a seesaw: You lift a person up with the weight of your curiosity and attentiveness \u2014 and they do the same in turn.\u201cThe other side is very important also,\u201d Dr. Reis said. \u201cTo be sharing what\u2019s important to you, to be sharing what you\u2019re concerned about, so it can really become a two-way street.\u201dReciprocity isn\u2019t guaranteed, but it is a powerful social norm, he added. We have a tendency to respond with care and kindness to those who show them to us.Know when to throw in the towel.Of course, sometimes you can do your best to listen and be open, and the other person gives you zilch in return. If that\u2019s the case \u2014 or if you are finding it challenging to muster genuine curiosity \u2014 those are signs this isn\u2019t the right relationship to invest a lot of effort and energy in.\u201cSometimes we choose the wrong person that we want to feel more loved by,\u201d Dr. Lyubomirsky said.Consider questions like:\u00a0Does this person seem to \u201cget\u201d me on some level, or at least show an interest in doing so? When I\u2019ve shared struggles or imperfections, have they been curious and listened enthusiastically?Ultimately, Dr. Lyubomirsky hopes that people feel empowered by the message that if you choose wisely \u2014 and focus on your approach to conversations \u2014 you will start to feel more love, and thus happiness, coming your way.\u201cFeeling loved,\u201d the authors argue, \u201cis not out of your control.\u201dCatherine Pearson is a Times reporter who writes about families and relationships.Read 337 commentsShare full articleRelated ContentAdvertisementSKIP ADVERTISEMENT",
    "ai_headline": "What\u2019s the Secret to Happiness? These Researchers Have a Theory.",
    "ai_simplified_title": "Lyubomirsky and Reis Discuss Feeling Loved for Happiness",
    "ai_excerpt": "Researchers Lyubomirsky and Reis argue that feeling loved is key to happiness. They suggest focusing on improving listening skills and showing genuine curiosity in conversations to foster this feeling. The article offers practical advice on how to cultivate more loving relationships.",
    "ai_subject_tags": [
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        "Social Skills"
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